


My Pills have been Deemed Useless

by cydisyaoitrash



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Blood and Gore, But its gay, M/M, and its kind of complictated, bitch has been places, dark version of alice in wonderland, hiroki has history
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2018-10-03 12:58:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10246427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cydisyaoitrash/pseuds/cydisyaoitrash
Summary: Hiroki Kamijou could go to a magical world he called wonderland.Until he couldn’t.Then, Hiroki spent his life rotting in a mental hospital, being terrorized by a dark entity that tore his sanity apart.  He was hopeless.Until he fell in love with Dr. Kusama Nowaki.Includes all 3 Couples, egoist and romantica being the main(s).





	1. Chapter 1

The watery soup slid down Hiroki's throat like a living slime. He held back the urge to gag as he gulped it down. It doesn't matter how long he has been here, the food will never settle right in his stomach.

They said he was getting thin, underweight. He growled at the thought of their faces. Those doctors. Some held seas of pity in their eyes, others maintained stone cold, heartless faces. Neither better than the other. He had never seen any...satisfying expression.

Hiroki stood up slowly, glancing around the cafeteria at his fellow patients. Some carefully counting and moving around their food to fit perfectly around their tray, others staring at nothing, some muttering to themselves. Hiroki sat away from everyone, he didn't like socializing. He quickly strode to the large trash can in the middle of the cafeteria, intending to throw out the mystery soup that was now making his stomach gurgle in discomfort. 

Before he could flip the tray over into the trash, a hand snapped out and gripped onto his wrist.

“Mr.Kamijou,” a deep voice called from beside him, he glared. Miyagi. “The nurses were telling me to keep an eye on you. You’re not eating enough, why not finish that soup?”

“I don't like it.” Hiroki replied simply.

“Well, I don't think you have a choice.” Miyagi chuckled.

“Just let me go.” He growled.

Miyagi sighed, “Hiroki, stop being like this. Just take your food back to the table. And stop frowning? You’ll become a wrinkly skeleton!” He let go of his arm.

Hiroki stood still for a moment, processing his words, before dumping the soup into the can. MIyagi opened his mouth to say something, he slapped it shut and groaned.

Hiroki returned to the sea of patients, dressed in white. Today was a shitty day. His sleeping pills wore off at 5 am, his insomnia caressed him until sunrise. Two hours later, Right before he was on the brink of sleep, a hand slammed on his door, letting him know breakfast was in a few minutes. After breakfast he was forced to take the pills he didn't need, but what's new? Then, they set their ‘goals’ for the day and reading time, which wasn't too bad. However, His psychiatrist retired yesterday, he didn't like the older man, Dr. William, per say but he was familiar with him. He liked familiar. Dr. William still gave him the pitiful looks but he was used to that, he expected it. That was comforting to him. Being able to predict his every move. 

Now he was meeting someone new. Someone who just graduated. Someone not only knew to him but to the whole field of psychology. 

“Everyone!” Miyagi’s voice retrieved Hiroki from his worries, Hiroki looked up to see Miyagi cupping his hands around his mouth, “Group A breakfast is over! Please throwaway your food, and line up at the door. You will then be split up into three groups! When you’re dismissed you will all be either going to your psychiatrists, to your rooms, or to the group meeting room. No lingering, no using the bathroom without supervision, no wandering. Understood?” 

The whole cafeteria gave a solemn hum of approval before they got up to throw their food away. Hiroki waited. Once everyone stood, backs hunched, faces droopy, at the door he stood to accompany them. He went to stand at the end of the line, scratching at his wrist nervously. He wasn't ready to meet his new psychiatrist, he just wanted to get back to his room and sleep. At the same time, he feared the dreams...no...nightmares that would claim him in the realm of his own unconsciousness. 

Another supervisor stood at the front of the line, her blonde hair tied in a messy bun. Hiroki saw her everyday, she always had a monotone voice and drooping eyes. She looked as if she had stopped caring about herself years ago, though Hiroki had no place to judge if that was the case. She walked down, and section the first group off with a gesture of her arms, “Meeting room.” She called as they walked out the door.  
Hiroki took a deep shaky breath as she sectioned the next group off. “Your rooms,”

Fuck. Me. 

She gestured to Hiroki’s group, it seemed as if she was only speaking to him.

“Psychiatrists.”

 

Hiroki was now scratching at his wrists harshly, the pain created a warm satisfaction that coursed through his arm and into his gut. He was sitting in an empty office, the one he always went to, but now...it was different. The pictures of Dr.Williams smiling little grandson were gone. The bobble head he had that had always stood confidently at the end of the desk was gone. The many papers and small toys were non existent, the mug overflowing with suckers was gone.   
All the desk now bared was a small plate built into the wood.  
Dr. Kusama.

Hiroki stared at it, his eyes dipping over every corner and curve of the Kanji. Making every stroke familiar. Embedding it into his mind.   
The door clicked.

“Kamijou-san?” A smooth voice asked from the door. 

Hiroki couldn’t turn around, he just couldn’t. He knew what he’d see if he did, something that wasn't the psychologist. Making the man think he was absolutely crazy beyond help on the first day was not a good plan.

“Yes.” His voice came out as a timid whisper and his face lit up with a scarlet flame. He wanted to punch himself for seeming so weak.

There were footsteps from behind him, a body came and sat down in the chair behind the desk, and Hiroki looked up.

His breath caught in his throat.

The man in front of him had a beautifully warm smile that made Hiroki feel welcomed. An expression Hiroki had never seen here in the hospital, he shifted in his chair. 

“Hello, Kamijou-san, My name is Nowaki Kusama, I will be your new psychologist from now on.” Nowaki’s voice flowed from his mouth like a gentle stream. His blue eyes smiled along with his lips, showing just how genuine the man was, Nowaki stuck out his hand, “Can I shake your hand?”

Hiroki blinked away his surprise, “Why not…” He muttered as he took Nowaki’s hand, it was cool and large, like a comfortable blanket.

Hiroki sat back in his seat and it was silent for a few seconds, “So...are you going to ask me what medicines I take? Or do you already…” Hiroki muttered. 

Nowaki shook his head, “No.” 

“So they did tell you about me…”

“They didn’t.” Nowaki said simply and Hiroki looked up at him in confusion, Nowaki decided to elaborate, “Before I ask you that stuff, I want to know more basic things about you. How old you are, what's your favorite color? I want you to know some things about me.” 

Hiroki huffed, “I feel like I’m introducing myself to the class.” 

Nowaki laughed, “You’ll be thankful,” He said and Hiroki tilted his head in confusion, “Anyway, how old were you when you were...sent to this facility?”

Hiroki shrugged, he racked his brain for the age, he’s been here for so long it seems this is all there was, “11, I think...maybe 13. God, Maybe even 15.” He guessed.

Nowaki smiled, “So a long time then?”

Hiroki chuckled, “You have no clue.” 

“How old are you Hiroki-san?” Nowaki rested his elbows on the table, his piercing blue eyes studying Hiroki.

“I’m 29.” He answered.

“So, around 15 years. You haven't...been outside?” Nowaki asked, his eyebrows knitting together in worry.

Hiroki shrugged, “A little. When we get those days where we can eat outside or walk around the block that's it. Why does all this matter?” He asked, getting uncomfortable.

“It doesn't really. So, you haven’t truly been outside in a while. What was your favorite food?”

Hiroki rolled his eyes, “Chocolate Mochi ice cream. Why do I have to answer all the questions? They’re getting boring and stupid.” 

Nowaki smiled, “You can ask me some if you want.”

Hiroki nodded, surprised at his failed attempt to break the other man’s kind exterior. He can't really be this friggin nice, he has to be acting, “How old are you? You seem like a kid.” 

Nowaki laughed, “I’m 25.” 

Hirok’s eyes widened, “So you are a kid…” Hiroki trailed off, he shrugged, “I don't have anymore questions.”

Nowaki just smiled, “It looks like you're tired Hiroki-san.”

“I am. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in years. This place doesn't let you.” He grumbled as he crossed his arms. Staring out the window that was behind Nowaki’s desk. There was no purpose of it being there. The window looked out into the alley way, the only view was the old dirty bricks of the next building over. That's what it was like in all the psychiatrists offices. Useless windows, a lie to make you feel free, in reality it just made one feel trapped, isolated. So broken, they weren't even allowed to look at a blue sky, and Trees that lined long stretches of road. 

“Well, I scheduled you here for the whole of groups A’s period so you won't have to move around much.”

“What?” Hiroki said, his heart beating rapidly in your chest.

“It’s okay,” Nowaki said, sensing the discomfort coursing through Hiroki’s veins. “I can tell new people make you nervous, so I want to spend as much time with you as I can. Like I said, I want to get to know you.”   
Hiroki stared at Nowaki for a while, his cheeks flushed, “N-New people do not make me nervous. Plus, you psychologists are all the same.” He muttered.

“Is that so?” Nowaki laughed, not offended in the least. At least, not showing it. “What are ‘us psychologists’ like?” 

Hiroki’s face flushed again, he really wasn't expecting this. He felt his throat tighten, his palms began to sweat. This man definitely wasn't familiar. “Y-You really want me to tell you?”

Nowaki nodded with a warm smile. Hiroki really wanted him to quit smiling and stop being so...unlike all those other psychologists. 

“W-well, every psychologist I've ever met is filled with pity. I don't need your pity! And...and...they always have stupid bobble heads on their desks! They’re annoying as hell!” Hiroki grumbled.  
Nowaki threw back his head and laughed loudly, he shook his head, “Ok, so no pity, no bobble heads.” Hiroki nodded.

They spent the whole of group A’s activity period talking, not about medicine, or hallucinations, or nightmares, or Hiroki’s eating habits. They talked like normal people. It was refreshing to Hiroki, like a fine, quick deep breath of cool air after being trapped under hot covers. Hiroki was allowed to go back to his room once they were finished, Nowaki gave him a warm farewell, and Hiroki grumbled a goodbye. He was escorted back to his room with a small group of others that resided in his hallway.

A small seed of affection buried itself in the dirt and grime of his heart. He crushed.  
Crushed it, and hoped she didn't notice…

 

Hiroki went back to his room, too nervous to go to sleep, he read. Read the books that he has become so familiar with. That of course, was comforting. However, sometimes he found himself yearning for a new story to sink his teeth into but...he was scared of being hurt. Hurt by damn fiction. He really hated himself sometimes.

He was able to skip dinner, convinced the supervisors that he didn't feel well and was coming down with something. He lied in bed, it felt as if Nowaki’s eyes were still burning into him. He hated that. Living in this hospital for so long must have made him needy. He took a deep breath. He just knew she would have something to say about this. However, at the time, he was tired, and couldn't care less what she had to say. So he let himself drift to sleep.

 

It seemed as if he had just closed his eyes when he reopened the to see her sitting across from him in a large red chair. He took a deep shaky breath, not needing to look around at the void he was in. Empty blackness for as long as the eye could see, a single yellowish spotlight glowing on him and her.  
“  
Hiroki,” Her voice came out smooth, soft and elegant, “I haven’t seen you in a few days.” She spoke in English, her accent seemed to be pulled from the heart of London.

Hiroki stayed silent, squirming in his old, hard, wooden chair.

“You like him,” she chuckled, her shoulders shook and the dirty blonde curly hair that fell over them was disturbed. 

Hiroki swallowed thickly, “Who?” he asked in English, with as much authority as he could muster in front of her.

“Oh, shut up,” She hissed in a plastic sweet voice, “You know who, the psychiatrist. The new one, that...hunky typhoon.” She threw back her head and let a graceful...ugly laugh escape her painted lips. She stood, her black gown flowing to the slightly darker floor. The dress was strapless, showing her protruding collar bones. This dress, she’s been wearing for nearly a decade, a dress and look that was so familiar. Despite all this, it constantly made Hiroki feel on edge.   
“I don't.”

“You do, you may not realize it yet but, you do. Because, you are needy. Hiroki, my dear friend, I’ve come to give you a reality check.” She lazily made her way to his chair, she began to circle him like a shark. “Firstly, that impression you made was wonderful.”

She flung out her hand and an image manifested itself in the blackness. It was him sitting at the desk, Nowaki’s desk.

“Kamijou-san?”

“Yes,”

Hiroki watched as the scene replayed itself, he could see himself from the back, his hair messy, skinny and hunched over. Not turning around at the call of his name.  
“Ha! You didn’t turn around!” She laughed, “You just looked like a freak! Also, that thing you were doing? Being a total asshole? Because you were scared of getting close? Speaking of fear, when you didn't turn to look at him... were you scared...of seeing him?”  
There was harsh pant on Hiroki’s shoulder and he whipped around. There he was.  
The Lurker

It had the body of a man but from the shoulders up, it was a ram, its wide, black eyes held small, beady, white pupils. Its two large horns curled in different directions, and yellow teeth jutted out from its under bite. He sat and stared at Hiroki, on the right side of the chair. Hiroki let out a small peep and quickly turned away from the Lurker. He felt the hot pants on his neck for a few more seconds before they disappeared. Hiroki slowly turned, and as quick as the lurker was there it was gone.   
She was striding around his chair again, “Yeah, scared you would scream like the last couple times you...turned around. Scream because he is a reminder that you aren't really crazy, and that nothing can save you from us, from him, from your past...from wonderland.” She stopped in front of him, bending slightly at her thin waist, cinched even further by her corset, to look Hiroki in the eye, “You’re mine. Maybe we are not lovers, not friends...anymore. Not siblings, or family, but I still own you. I control you. This little...crush that I can smell in your future, will do nothing but damage my plan for you. Well, for me.” She giggled.  
Hiroki flinched as she quickly stood again, “You know what I’m capable of. Don’t spoil my plan, Hiroki. If you do, your future won't be very bright.” She backed up to sit in the red chair once more, “Have you ever heard a pig being slaughtered Hiroki?”

The words caused Hiroki to clench his fists, “No,” He replied, “H-Haven’t been out of this damn place in years.”   
She smiled, she was silent for a long time, “Well this is what it sounds like,”  
Hiroki was filled with confusion, he squinted at her. Suddenly, there were sharp claws digging into his cheeks from behind, pulling him out of his chair. Hiroki let out loud, horrible, shrieks of pain and fear. His chair flipped back and his back hit the ground. The pain didn't leave. He opened his eyes to see the Lurker looming over him, it wore a yellowish smile and let out broken, ape like noises that could barely be labeled as a laugh.

The lurker dug its claws deeper and deeper into Hiroki’s face, he felt the blood dripping down his cheeks, stinging as it pooled in his eyes. Just as he felt the flesh on his skin ripped off, he awoke, still furiously thrashing and screaming. He felt a heavy weight on his chest, he was being held down by supervisors and a doctor he didn't know. He couldn't stop his own screaming and thrashing.  
Hiroki felt a hand press against his forehead, cool and dry against his sweaty skin. The rumble of voices urging him to calm down, faded into silence. He heard nothing. He looked to the owner of the hand. It was hers. She stood next to him, a smug smile on her face, her eyes blank.  
“Just a...once in awhile reality check,” She whispered

 

“From your old friend,”

“Alice.”


	2. The Special Unit

They put him under. He had been struggling too much. He couldn't stop, he was so scared and it felt as if his body couldn't be calmed down. He felt the sharp tip of needle pierce his thigh, and the sedative rushed into him. He cried out and began to struggle more. Alice was gone, but he was still panicking. The supervisors were pressing down on his chest, he couldn't speak. He wanted to tell them that he had calmed down, and he was okay but he couldn't. He could only try to pull away from them, which resulted in harsher restraint and yelling. Tears were now streaming down his face as he struggle to take in air.  


Hiroki’s arms began to tingle. It was harder to pull away from the doctors around him. His body felt light, it felt like instead of being held down, he was being lifted. The feeling of the bed beneath him disappeared, and he couldn't hold onto any thought that passed through his mind. Everything faded to black, the last sense to fade was his hearing. The shouts and rustling faded to nothing. The only sound he could here was...dripping. Like a broken faucet.  


All of Hiroki senses returned, and he hated that it did. He was sitting in blackness once again, in a wooden chair. The red chair in front of him was empty. Hiroki swallowed thickly. It’s never been like this before. This place...whenever he is here...Alice is here. Hiroki sat for a long time, his eyes shut tightly, desperately trying to return to reality. The dripping continued, a high, obnoxious metronome.  


Hiroki took a deep breath. He stood up, “Where are you?” he called into the darkness. There was no answer, “Alice!”  


Nothing. He turned around, his eyes scanning the fields of darkness surrounding him. He looked back at the red chair. Hiroki slowly approached the furniture, reaching out to run his hands over the uncomfortable fabric. There was a loud noise, like a stage light being turned on. Hiroki jumped and whipped around.  


A door.  


A bright white light revealed a door. It was old and made of wood, it was nostalgic. It tugged at a memory that Hiroki just couldn't manifest. He wanted to get to it...to open it, despite it being totally useless. Nothing in front of it, nothing behind. His soul screamed at him to turn the knob, but the darkness that separated him and the door intimidated him. He had never explored this place. Never even stood. Whenever he came here, it meant Alice was angry. He would just sit in his chair and pray for consciousness.  


He gulped as he made his way to the edge of the yellow tinged light he was in, he stared at the door for a long time. Once again, he reminded himself, It wasn’t on any hinges, it didn’t lead anywhere. However, Hiroki knew better than to believe a door led to nowhere, that was both a metaphor and quite literal statement. Hiroki lifted his foot, he hesitated for a moment and stepped out.  


His foot never hit any solid ground. He fell from the light he was in with a cry. He screamed as he continued to fall, air whipping by his face. He could barely hear himself. There were other screams that surrounded him, men, women, children. They all raked at his ears, filling his eyes with tears. He slapped his hands over his ears. He let his eyes open a bit.  


He let out a shout, he could see the ground, it had a glow to it, like there were lights under it. He was falling closer and closer to it at an alarming speed. A thick liquid clashed into his face, he taste the iron in his mouth. He coughed and spat, terror taking over his body. He could see the floor getting closer and closer and closer andcloserandcloserandcloser.  


Thwack!  


For a split second, Hiroki felt horrible pain course through his side.  


Then, he was in his bed, he threw himself up from the thin white sheets that restrained him, his chest heaving.  


Save us.  


Came a whisper from behind him, he whipped around, already scrambling back to the edge of the bed. He saw no one through the blur of tears in his eyes, his muscles twitched and shivered like feeble leaves.  


Thwack!  


He jumped at the sound. The same sound he heard when his body collided with the ground. It came from the door.  


“Hiroki-san?,” a voice came from on the other side of the door, “Are you awake? Could you open the door?” It was Nowaki.  


Hiroki breathed deeply, “Uh...Y-Yes,” He cringed at his quivering voice .  


Hiroki stood, his legs felt like jelly beneath him, he brought his shirt up to his eyes to gently dabbed his tears away. He shakily made his way to his door. He wasn’t quite sure if he was nauseous or hungry, his stomach twitched and gurgled. Hiroki opened the door to reveal a smiling, glowing Nowaki. Hiroki saw Nowaki’s smile fade as he absorbed the state of the other man.  


Hiroki quickly turned back around and went to sit on his thin mattress, “It’s not locked. You can't lock it. You can just open it. What do you want?”  


“I know,” Nowaki said as he entered the room, his hands behind his back, “I just...I need to talk to you about the more personal...harder stuff today.” He sat next to Hiroki, tilted so his hands were still behind his back.  


“Are you okay Hiroki-san? Your eyes are...very red.” Nowaki sat down next to Hiroki. He brought his large hand up to hold Hiroki’s cinnamon hair out of his face and stare into his eyes.  


Hiroki swallowed, cleared his throat, and quickly pulled away, “I’m fine. My rooms just dusty.”  


Nowaki stared at him for a bit before he broke into a goofy grin, “I’ll help you one day. We’ll clean your room together.”  


Hiroki studied him. God this guy really made him anxious. Another part of him was sad. He could tell Nowaki was just trying to sweeten him up, do it was easier to tell what medicine he needed, what therapy. If this place wasn't paying him, he’d be an asshole.  


“Hiroki,” Hiroki jumped at the sound, “Should...we get started?”  


Hiroki sighed, and shrugged, “Go ahead,”  


Nowaki’s smile returned, “To make it easier I bought this!” Nowaki brought his hands forward, revealing what he had behind his back. He held two boxes of Mochi ice cream in each hand.  


Hiroki couldn't help but gasp, he snatched a box out of Nowaki’s hand, “Where did you get these?!”  


“The store.”  


“Why?”  


“Hiroki-san! I already told you! To make talking about personal issues easier! So you have a treat!”  


Hiroki was about to thank him but froze at the tightness in his heart, he knew Alice was watching. She’d be angry if Hiroki grow any fonder of Nowaki, “B-but you can’t bring outside food into the hospital, dummy.”  


“Are you going to tell anyone?”  


“...No.”  


“Then we don't have to worry!” Nowaki grinned. Hiroki wanted to cry at his kindness.  


“Well...I haven’t had these in...over a decade. What if my stomach is sensitive to them?”  


“You’ll be okay! It’s just a little bit of milk chocolate ice cream and rice, it's not very rich.” Nowaki reassured him, he set down the one remaining box in his right hand and took chopsticks out from under the other two. He handed them to Hiroki, “Whenever you have a meeting with me, you can have some of these.”  


“I...I don't know.” Hiroki stuttered, he really wanted one, wanted to spew thank you’s and adoration at Nowaki because in this dump, Mochi ice cream was rarer and more valuable than gold. Any sort of outside food was a miracle. He hadn't had something truly, wonderfully sweet in years.  


Nowaki took the box from his hands and pulled it open. He pulled the plastic off the top of the tray that held the ice cream, took Hiroki’s chopsticks, and popped one in his mouth. He then grabbed another and pressed it against Hiroki’s lips. He stared at Nowaki for a moment, a blush on his cheeks, before the nostalgic, barely there scent of the sweet became too much and he wrapped his lips around the squishy treat.  


Nowaki smiled, and swallowed, “See! That wasn’t so bad! Here, have more!.” Nowaki shoved the box back into Hiroki’s arms. Hiroki was in heaven. The taste brought back so many memories, he could just cry.  


Hiroki swallowed, “Thank you,” he whispered.  


Nowaki’s eyes softened, “Of course,” he said in a warm voice.  


“Well...um,” Hiroki cleared his throat, “How do you want me to...start?”  


Nowaki sighed, it seemed as if this subject was even sensitive to him, which just didn't make any sense, “I know...about wonderland, and very little about...Alice?” Nowaki guessed he said her name right when he saw Hiroki flinch, “I just know...she’s there. Can you tell me about wonderland?”  


Hiroki nodded with an agitated sigh, “What do you want to know?”  


“Well, is it nice there?”  


“Yeah,” Hiroki whispered softly, he wore a pained expression as he stared at the air in front of him, “It was.”  


“W-was?” Nowaki asked, frowning in confusion.  


“Wonderland...I don't know what happened. I just know...I can't be there anymore. The last I saw of it...it was in ruins. I don't think...um...I don't think it exists anymore.” Hiroki blinked away tears, he spoke like this place was real, like it was home, “She did it…” Hiroki muttered to himself.  


“She? Alice?”  


Hiroki’s eyes widened, he hadn't realized he said that out loud, he shook his head, “No...I mean yes...I just...I don't want to talk about her, none of this shit is real anyway. What's the use in talking about it anyway right?” Hiroki put the box of Mochi on the bed , he crossed his arms.  


“Why not? Do you like Alice?” Nowaki pressed, ignoring Hiroki’s denial.  


Hiroki jumped, disgusted by the thought, “N-...I cant answer that. S-She was a bestfriend to me...an older sister. Not anymore...she’s different.”  


“Back in wonderland? You liked her then?”  


Hiroki opened his mouth to reply.  


“Go ahead,” A gentle voice met his ears, he jumped at the sound. Alice sat right behind the box of mochi that rested between him and Nowaki on the bed. “Tell him how much you hate me. Tell him how I was the only one who was there to listen to you gush about your little boy crushes.” She had a little ball of Mochi in her hand, which she popped in her mouth with a cheeky grin.  


“Hiroki-san? What's wrong?” Nowaki asked worriedly. Hiroki slowly turned back to him with wide eyes.  


“Nothing.” he said softly.  


“Tell him how I stabbed you and wonderland in the back. Tell him that you were the victim!” Her voice cracked, “Because it could never be the other way around could it!? Because wonderland could have never let me down, right? Right?! Because you're too perfect to be the bad guy!”  


Hiroki flinched at every harsh shout. She sounded like she was crying, but then would turn back to the sarcastic angry hisses. He wasn't able to think straight. He was panicking again. She was right there and he was going to break down in front of Nowaki. His blood pumped quickly through his veins and it was hard to swallow. His body was painfully hot and his loose white clothes felt a couple sizes too tight. He couldn't understand what anybody was saying anymore, Alice’s aggressive shouts blended into one loud, angry note. Nowaki’s cooes, and worried calls were quarter notes that blended with Alice’s into an all too familiar melody of panic.  


Then there was a cool hand on his. Everything was quiet, only the hum of the air conditioner could be heard, “Hiro-san,” Nowaki’s soft voice called the nickname, a sweet song of comfort that Hiroki melted into. Nowaki reached out and brushed the tears from Hiroki’s cheek.  


“You’re safe,” He said, and Hiroki believed it. He felt safe. This man he’s known for less than twenty four hours made him feel home, and he had no idea why. Hiroki dismissed it as his youthful charm. “Did...Are you uncomfortable here, Hiroki-san?”  


Hiroki nodded stiffly.  


“Would you like to go to my office?”  


Hiroki nodded once more. Nowaki cupped his hands and beckoned him go follow. Hiroki was silent and stared at the ground as Nowaki led him to his office. He focused on keeping the tears in. He heard the whispers from the nurses, the screaming of other patients, or behind it all, the cold silence in some of the rooms they passed. No movement, no sound despite holding psychopaths and schizos, all the humans that went ‘wrong’.  


“Are you okay?” Nowaki asked once Hiroki was settled.  


“Yeah, I’m fine. I just…It was hot in there.” he sighed  


Nowaki nodded with a frown, Hiroki’s room had gotten terribly cold around the time he started to ‘get uncomfortable’, but he decided not to question it. “So...Alice what does she look like?”  


“Well...she...um she's different. When I was little, she wore a pretty blue dress, or the green one. She sometimes even wore a yellow one, but she didn't like it.” Hiroki shook his head wildly, “W-whatever. She always wore this white apron thing. It was...really old. Then...she came in these tattered rags for a short period of time in my teenage years. Then...something happened.” Hiroki fell silent for a few moments, staring at the ground with furrowed brows, “Anyway, after it...happened, she was in this...provocative dress. It was black and sleeveless and sometimes it's cut short, high up on her thighs, sometimes there is a slit going from her upper thigh down her leg, sometimes it goes all the way to the ground.”  


Nowaki nodded, “Well...with the way you describe her, do you think she may be a manifestation of your subconscious romantic and sexual desires? A younger boy would want a pretty, girly wife, a teen boy would want a bad girl an-”  


“No!” Hiroki sputtered, “It's not...I’m not...She isn't-”  


“Hiroki-san there is no reason to be embarrassed. Manifested desires are very common. Especially desires that one isn't very proud of..” Nowaki said with a smile.  


“I'm gay! I don't like her.” Hiroki’s face felt hot and he twitched uncomfortably in his seat. He shouted it. He was so upset with the thought of liking Alice...Alice. Disgusting horrible Alice.  


“Oh,” Nowaki said softly.  


“I-I'm sorry,” Hiroki whispered. Nowaki probably thought he was some type of pervert. He knows the people in the hospital aren't very fond of people like him. He really messed this up.  


“Don't apologize. You shouldn't be ashamed about that. I’m not ashamed.”  


“When will we be done he- wait…” Hiroki trailed off, looking up at Nowaki’s cool smile, “What did you just say? You're not ashamed of what?”  


Nowaki chuckled he stood and rested a hand on Hiroki’s head, “We have much more in common than you think Hiroki-san. Now, do you want to eat lunch? You slept passed it.”  


With a blush still staining Hiroki’s face he swallowed thickly, “No, I’m not hungry.”  


Nowaki frowned and sighed, “Are you sure?”  


Hiroki nodded, “I just...want to go back to my room.”  


Nowaki shook his head, “Fine. I’ll walk you back.” Hiroki nodded.  


They walked back in silence Hiroki awkwardly picking at his fingernails, despite his pride he shyly hung his head down and twitched nervously.  


They were now in the very familiar lunch room, full if chatter, screaming, and scolding. The sickening noises, as twisted as it sounded, made him feel calm. He didn’t ask to be here, the lunch room or the hospital. However, he felt home in this fucked up place. Well...nothing will feel as warm and safe as wonderland did. The funny thing had always been...wonderland was far from safe, Hiroki knew that, but it was the thrill that made him happy. Like a book come to life. He mourned for wonderland every day. Grieved over its memory, wishing none of…’it’ had happened.  


“Hiroki-san, I have another patient to attend to in about an hour, I was going to spend the whole day with them but after hearing about what happened this morning...I couldn't leave you alone.” Nowaki said softly, his voice barely stretching over the boisterousness of the cafeteria.  


Hiroki shrugged, “I was fine...it was nothing new, really.”  


Nowaki cringed in pity and Hiroki swore he could smack him over the head with a book, “Well...we should eat lunch together someday Hiroki-san. I’ll see you soon okay? Enjoy your food.” Nowaki reached out and engulfed him in a giant hug, “I’ll have the Mochi ready when we see eachother next, Hiro-san !”  


Hiroki felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He pushed away from Nowaki, “We’ve known eachother for two days, bimbo. Don't act so close. Don't you have a patient to get to, brat?” Hiroki spat quickly, immediately spitting on the flame Nowaki was starting.  


It didn't bother Nowaki.  


“Oh, Yes! I’ll see you soon Hiroki-san!” Nowaki called as he jogged out the cafeteria. Hiroki watched the exit for a long time. Nowaki was a very handsome man, and very sweet. He was sincerely kind to Hiroki, despite Hiroki trying to convince himself otherwise. Nowaki really was the perfect guy. He would make somebody happy some day. Just not Hiroki. Nothing was worth the torture and guilt Alice would drown him with. There is no way they’d be more than a patient and psychiatrist. He couldn't afford that.  


Hiroki sighed, turned toward the lunch line, and shook his head. He left the cafeteria quickly and snuck back to his room.

 

Nowaki finally made it back to his office. He smiled as he looked at the mochi. Hiroki face was nothing less than horribly adorable when Nowaki pulled it out. Nowaki hated to choose favorites, especially so soon, but out of his two patients, Hiroki was his favorite. Nowaki could just gobble up his flushed cheeks, twirl his soft hair, and wrap him up when his eyebrows furrowed and called Nowaki a brat.  


Nowaki, so far, had loved working at the hospital, his other patient, Misaki Takahashi, was a sweet young boy, with a horribly dark past that made Nowaki sick. However he listened to Misaki , and didn't blame him for…any of the things he did. He was from the 'Hiigh Security Zone'  


Nowaki picked up the mochi ice cream. He stopped. There were three empty dips in the container, he had one, and Hiroki had one. He was absolutely positive Hiroki had put it down after awhile, looking sick. Where did the other Mochi go. It’d be quite troublesome if it melted in his office. He cringed at the thought of a muster of ants claiming his workspace. He’s be even more upset if they had dropped in Hiroki’s room. It would be quite selfish of him to leave it there. So Nowaki decided that while Hiroki was eating, he’d go to his room, and clean up the expected mess.

 

When Hiroki entered his room, it was quiet. Everyone in his ward was going about their day. They weren't allowed in their rooms until sunset, or free time. Hiroki blissfully sighed. He was finally alone. He tipped toward the stiff bed and let gravity carry him into its disappointing lack of warmth.  


Despite the discomfort, he balanced and the ledge of consciousness, he could feel the bed supporting his weight but his mind seemed to be covered with a blanket.  


“So,” A voice shoved him harshly to one side. He opened his eyes. Alice stood in the middle of the room. “You’re not listening to me.”  


Her grey eyes glanced up at him, Hiroki swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say. Alice stared at him for a bit, she was silent. Something had changed in her. She seemed less sarcastic, more sad. Less pure evil more...angry. Even considering her poker face, something shadowed her pretty features, making them a unsettling thing to look at.  


Alice’s plush lips formed into a small ‘O’, she whistled.  


Hiroki jumped as the Lurker tugged itself out of the wall, it ripped open the wood and wall paper, clumsy, harshly pulling itself passed the jagged wood. It tumbled onto the floor, its muscles shaking as it pushed itself up to sit next to Alice.  


Hiroki felt as if he was going to cry, but he bit it back. Alice lifted a hand, and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something. She was still before letting out a defeated sigh. Hiroki sat and waited as she sat there for a few more seconds. The silence weighed heavy in the air, breaking his bones, making him nauseous.  


Alice quickly bent down and snatched the Lurkers claw before marching forward, dragging the thing behind. It let out broken yelps and pants of distress as it struggled to keep up with her. She gripped Hiroki’s hand and dug the tip of the claw deep into his knuckles. Hiroki screamed in pain, feeling the claw move under his skin. She did the same with his other hand, he bit his lip until it too was bleeding. Letting out small cries through his teeth.  


“Im disappointed.” She said simply as she pulled away, glaring at him, “I’m done with trying.”  


Her and the lurker were gone.  


But the hole was not.  


Hiroki began to panick.  


There was a hole in his wall and blood all over his sheets. He looked like he hurt himself, or somebody. He’d be put into what the patients in the hospital called the special unit. The place where the the crazy people went. So crazy the crazies even think they're crazy. If that makes any sense. Hiroki jumped to his feet, of his sheets which were already sopping with crimson. His hand pulsed and anguish.  


Hiroki let out a helpless sob. He’s a strong man, full of pride and confidence. Especially considering being locked up in a mental hospital, but the special unit scared everyone. It never helped anyone, it made them worse. In the hospital you had a small chance of being released. Yet it was still a chance. In the special unit, you were done for. People were basically thrown there because they were beyond help. You were left there to rot.  


Hiroki grit his teeth, his hands hurt, his heart was beating so fast. How could he clean all this up in a few hours.  


Hiroki wiped his tears with his shirt. He was a smart man. He had three hours before room checks. He could find a way to sneak out and get rid of the sheets. He snuck out of the lunchroom all the time. He snuck out of his room to get water. This was no different. Just...with a sheet full of blood.  


Hiroki whimpered and nodded to himself. He would not let this happen. Not to him. It could not happen to him.  


Hiroki's heart stopped.  


His world fell.  


Everything was scary.  


Fear gripped every bone in his body.  


His existence crumbled as the sharp sound from the door whacked his eardrums.  


Knock  


Knock  


Knock  


“Hiroki-san? Are you in there?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry all my fics are taking forever! I jump between them based on how interested I am in them. Sorry! I realize now this story is kind of based off an original story I've had for awhile. Not exactly but the main character is in a mental hospital when he may or may not actually be crazy he can acess a special world and me falls in live with a another guy. But there was a WHOLE lot of things different so I guess its not that related. I'll be uploading it on my wattpad when its done if you're interested! Or making a webcomic if I can. Misaki will be a major role in this story at some point. Thanks for reading! Lots of love! U3U


	3. Times up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holes in the walll, and Hiroki is covered in blood.

“Hiroki-san are you in there?” 

 

Hiroki snapped his head up to the door.

 

Nowaki.

 

Hiroki stared helplessly at the ground as he dripped with blood, harsh pants escaping his lips. Nowaki was going to come in. 

 

“Hiroki-san? I can hear you.” 

 

Hiroki took a deep breath and swallowed thickly, “I-I’m in here.” 

 

Nowaki laughed, the soothing sound seemed alien in the panic filled room. “I thought you were going to eat. Can I come in?”

 

“Tick tock tick tock,” came a soft voice from behind him, his head whipped around, Alice sat with her legs crossed, leaning back, “Better think of something quick.” 

 

“Hiroki-san?” The voice pressed through the door.

 

“Yeah just…just give me a minute.” Hiroki’s frantic eyes scraped around the empty room, nothing. He really couldn't do anything. He couldn’t hide a hole that size. 

 

“He’s going to come in soon,” Alice mused, her leg bouncing up and down lazily. Her blue orbs widened before crinkling into a giggle. “You’re late! You’re late!” She imitated an old friends nasally voice. 

 

Hiroki let out a soft cry and flinched at the familiar phrase. 

 

“Hiroki-san, Seriously! I'm worried. You have to open the door now.” Nowaki’s voice was stern and had an edge to it. A voice Hiroki had never heard before, yet it was still oddly comforting hearing the worry hidden behind the sharp sound. 

 

Hiroki turned away from the door, now staring at the hole directly across from it. He could hang the sheet over it. What would be his excuse? There was blood on the sheets. No way. There was blood all down his arms and now on his clothes. But maybe...maybe he could direct Nowaki’s attention. So maybe he wouldn't even notice the hole. It was huge and gaping but Hiroki knew how to mess with people. Mess with their minds. After years of living in a place like this, the power of manipulation was a necessity. It could even get you out of taking your meds if you gambled just right. Sure it was hard but he could pull it off. Maybe ifHiroki acted like he was hurt or sick? A loud sudden sound to get Nowaki’s attention, immediately causing him to turn seemed to be the only way. A fake gag would do just fine. A person doesn't walk into a room looking straight forward so it's not impossible for him to not notice, right?

 

“Time’s up.” Alice whispered, Hiroki snapped his head to her, she swung a pocket watch back and forth. The words ‘done for’ were scrawled where the numbers should be. She disappeared.

 

Hiroki sat still for a moment, confused. It was too silent. Then, he heard the door open, an ugly final ding to his timer. Hiroki could have vomited right there. Seriously. He heard Nowaki gasp. 

 

Hiroki turned to the door slowly, tears filled his eye as Nowaki stared at him, frozen in horror.

 

“I-I didn't...I didn’t do it.” Hiroki whispered brokenly. Nowaki composed himself before shaking his head. He glanced at the wall and cringed. He brought his attention back to Hiroki.

 

“Oh...Hiroki-san. You know they are going to your family to pay for this.” He slowly approached him, like a wild animal and it made Hiroki feel humiliated.

 

Nowaki watched Hiroki’s expression as he reached out to his knuckles. Hiroki silently stared at the ground, taking sharp breaths and letting his tears fall silently. He’s never messed up this bad. This was bad. This was so bad.

 

Nowaki sighed, “Hiroki-san…” he brushed his fingers over Hiroki's wrists, “...why?” 

 

“A-Alice did it.” He breathed helplessly. Nowaki furrowed his eyebrows. 

 

“Hiroki-san! Alice isn't r-” Nowaki cut himself off, Hiroki noticed him furrowing his brows just like people did when they were holding back oceans of emotions and words, the only dam being their lips. In Nowaki’s case, soft and elegant. Nowaki was silent, only staring at Hiroki’s quivering features, “Hiroki-san...let's get you patched up at the nurse's office, okay?” 

 

He slowly gripped Hiroki’s arm and and pulled gently, “Lets go, Hiroki-san.” 

 

Hiroki shook his head, “N-n-no.” He yanked his arm, Nowaki didn't release.

 

Nowaki’s face filled with pity, “Hiroki-san…” 

 

“N-no pl-please no.” His voice began to raise and his pulling became harder, “No! No! Please!” He sobbed.

 

Nowaki frowned, “Hiroki-san please calm do-”

 

“No! I didn't do it! I didn't do it!” He pleaded desperately, yanking hard enough to nearly dislocate one of their shoulders. His reasoning was gone. All he could see was the padded wall of the special unit suffocating him… forever. 

 

“Hiroki!” Nowaki yelled, as Hiroki stopped pulling, instead resorting to gripping onto Nowaki’s shirt and staring him in the eye. 

 

“Please! Please! It wasn’t me! I’m not crazy!” Hiroki didn’t care about his pride, or the tears rolling down his cheeks. All he cared about was Alice. Alice grinning down at him with a warped smile as he laid trapped in the special unit. The lurker by her side, like a loyal hellhound. He continued to push himself against Nowaki. 

 

“Hiroki! Stop it!” Nowaki cried, gripping his shoulders. Hiroki let out a sob, his eyes glided to the rooms door. Doctors and nurses gathered around, taking in the sight like maggots would meat. 

 

Hiroki knew it was over. It was over. He knew it when Nowaki didn't even listen to him. Knew it when the nurses pity was replaced with fear. He felt his knees buckle and he slid to the floor. Nowaki knelt down. Hiroki hung his head, “I’m not crazy...I’m not crazy...I’m not crazy…” he cried softly.

 

There was a hard yank on Hiroki’s arm. He toppled to the left where the force came from, he glanced up at the towering figure next to him. It was one of the hospital's security guards. The grip felt dirty and cold. Another hand, belonging to another guard gripped his other. They yanked him to his feet and he stumbled slightly. They were so tight around him, he could feel himself being crushed. He didn't know what they were going to do with him, or what the special unit would be like, or why Alice was so...despicable, he didn't know where his friends in wonderland were, or what Nowaki was saying to the security guards. All of this crashed down on him with roaring waves isolation and fear. The world, his existence was so confusing. He didn't want much, he just wanted to be okay. He wanted an okay job, wanted to live in an okay house, have an okay boyfriend. When did he stop striving for greatness? When did he sink so low he just wanted...to get by? When did that become enough? Why does Nowaki look so upset? 

 

He wanted to go home, he wanted to go back to wonderland. Curling up next to the white rabbit with a book the creature nervously fiddle with his pocket watch. Hiroki would read aloud and The hatter would bust out laughing in the middle of a sentence that held no punch line or sarcasm, no joke. It would annoy Hiroki and he’d threaten the hatter he’d stop reading if he didn't shut up. Even through the complaining he’d let a giggle slip. The Cheshire cat would flaunt a cheeky grin, and float through the oh so odd looking trees. The March and Dormouse would quietly chuckle as they manifested the scenes spilling from Hiroki’s lips in a grand performance that the hatter would clap and hoot at, which was also quite distracting. And...Alice…

 

Alice….

 

Oh Alice…

 

Alice would sit in her pretty blue dress, her golden hair falling gently down her shoulders, spinning into free, yet elegant curls. Her blue eyes would be soft and she’d gently scratch her quill across her favorite drawing book, the one she drew All Hiroki’s handsome crushes in, however this time, she would fill the page with the words that glided to her ear. Her voice would pipes up every now and then, it's motherly kindness correcting Hiroki’s Pronunciation when reading tough english words. Alice would label what she was drawing in Japanese, she strongly believed that practice makes perfect. 

 

Then there were the days where Alice was the childish and hyper. She’d set down her drawing book and act along with the dormouse and March Hare. Jumping through the Fingolo trees, the clever or not so clever name given to the vine ridden trees by the hatter, with elegance and courage. She’d climb their vines and swing her wooden sword around, gifted to her by the dormouse. She was always the most entertaining actress. 

 

Hiroki wanted to claw the nostalgic longing in his chest, the yearning for a better world. But that was gone, it was long gone. It broke his heart. The guards began to drag him back to reality as well as out of the room. Hiroki whispered the only thing he knew in this confusing crisis. 

“Nowaki?”

 

 

Misaki stared emptily at the spongy walls cushioning him. He’d given up on tugging on the jacket that kept his arms bound. The rooms color was nice, sometimes it wasn't. Today it was nice. Sometimes, the yellow foam walls reminded him of the piss stained restrooms, adorned with two urinals with the guck of vomit, shit, and piss still finding refuge in the curves of the porcelain despite having been there for more than six months. Some days, it reminded him of the warm sun. Or even better, sun flowers after a refreshing rain, their roots slurping up the sweet nectar the day has given and flaunting their pretty yellow petals with confidence. 

 

Misaki wishes he could flaunt like that. Stride down a hallway full of people with a shimmering smile and enchanting eyes. He’d drink the attention they were giving him with the a delicious slurp disguised as a small “hello,”. He practiced his smile sometimes. Whenever he got the chance to see himself in a mirror he would smile wide and stare. He wasn't very attractive. Not at all really but nothing would make him stop perfecting his smile. Showing his teeth, pulling it higher or lower, until it sat gracefully on his soft cheeks. He thought he had a good smile. He just had to wait. Sometimes when he was alone in this padded room he would imagine some big celebrity walking into the hospital, straight to the special Unit ward, with no reason in particular, and he would smile at them nice and wide. They would huff in jealousy and turn away. He knows he could die happy then. If he could smile so nice that it warmed people up and make them jealous at the same time, he’d already have everything. He would have a smile just like his mama had, and that's all he needed. It was funny how this place could rot your life goals down from going to Mitsuhashi University and starting a family to just being able to share a real nice smile with someone. 

 

Misaki found himself grinning into the foam, he didn't have a mirror but he remembered what a perfect smile felt like. His face got tired. Misaki pulled himself up from where was lying, he couldn’t remember lying down, but he hypothesized he had just rolled over while he screamed at no one to let him out. His throat was sore, and his eyes puffy. How long had he been here? He had no idea. 

 

The sound of the heavy door to the room unlatching and opening didn’t faze him a bit. However he did let out a humiliating squeak when the guards ripped him up off the floor. “Make room for the newbie, kid.” Was all the guard said, he could vaguely hear a man's screaming voice down the hallway, of course that wasn't new. There were screaming voices all over these hallways, all over Misaki’s head. 

 

The guards dragged Misaki out of the room, Misaki didn't turn around when he heard the man being carted into the room where he was. 

 

“Nowaki! Nowaki!” He screamed, Misaki knew that name, that was his therapist. He heard the man struggle and continue to scream.

 

Then he heard the name.

 

“Alice! Alice...dammit! Alice!” He shrieked in anger.

 

Every muscle in Misaki’s body clenched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OML!! I have a football game tomorrow which I am performing in marching band at. We just leared act 3 of our halftime performance this week, we’re performing it tomorrow. Wish me luck! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! I LOVE THEM AND NO JOKE THE FEEDBACK IS REALLY USEFUL AND NEEDED! I hope you guys liked this chapter and MISAKI'S HERE!! Also if you want to try to see a drawing of this fanfictions version of Misaki go to my art account instagram: cydneybop ALSO IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW AN AWESOME JJR/SIH ACCOUNT FOLLOW @junjou_hatsukoi I LOVE THEM Ok love you all! Bye bye!!


	4. I did but I didn't

The name repeated in his ear as he was dragged by his arm to either his therapist, bunk, or the testing room. He just prayed not the testing room. 

Alice

But it couldn’t be Alice. Not his Alice. That just wasn’t possible. But how did he know? He screamed her name. Maybe Misaki was hallucinating.

Maybe he didn't say Alice. Maybe he got into my head. Oh god he’s in my head. He knows. 

Misaki shook his head as he stumbled through the filthy, flickering hallway. The guards glanced down at him in disgust as he whined to himself. 

No he didnt. My therapist told me this. Nobody’s after me, no one wants me dead, no one can hear my thoughts. Just like he said. Do I know what he’s thinking? No. Do I want him dead? No. I’m just like him. I’m okay. 

Misaki knew he wasn't the same, knew he wasn't okay. But having his own voice doing the rambling, saying such blessed words, was the sweetest consolation he could taste as the guards shoved him against a door. 

He stared at the door in front of him.

The testing room…

“You know how to open a door boy.” Said one of the deep voices behind him. He slowly turned to the large men keeping him caged against the door. He nodded shakily and opened the door. He stepped inside. 

This room was the cleanest. It’s intense white walls shone on him like bright stage lights. Welcoming the audience to the show, announcing him as the horrible Villain in an amazing performance all directed by one person and one person only. Her intriguing script captivating the viewers and taking them to a world where everything is hers. 

“Sit down kid.” He didn’t look back this time, just did as he was told. He sat down and stared at the glass about 10 feet in front of him. He saw himself in it but oh was he mistaken. There were eyes on him. The fact that he could be staring into a horrid doctors eye irked him deeply, so he decided to stop looking at the glass, and instead at his scratched, bitten, bloody fingers. 

“Misaki Takahashi.” 

A voice echoed over the speakered. Those were the same two words that usually began a hell of experiments and new medication. Sometimes it was a different voice but always his name. He hated his name now. If he could pick another he’d pick Haruto. He’d pick the kanji's meaning spring and person. He knew if he ever had the chance to go outside, he would have been a spring person. 

“Misaki Takahashi.” 

The forceful voice caused Misaki to jump. “Yes?” He choked. 

“Did you kill your parents?” The voice asked, calmly, but to Misaki it was roaring thunder, lighting rattling his bones. 

“No.” He said quietly. 

It was silent for a long time. Misaki swallowed thickly and twitched in his seat. 

“Misaki Takahashi, did you kill your parents?” 

Misaki felt aggravation as well as fear sizzle his throat. “No.” 

“So you weren’t the one who ripped the breaks out of your parents car? Your brother, you weren’t the one who tried to intoxicate him, then drown him? You didn't do those things?” 

“I didn’t...well I did but...it wasn’t...” He whispered.

“Misaki Takahashi.” The voice seemed to demand.

“I did.” Misaki said, more as a question than an answer.

“But you just said weren't the one who killed your parents?” The voice asked again. 

“No.” Misaki swallowed thickly, “I did not kill my parents. Apart o-of me did, but not me.” 

More silence, it dripped with confusion. He knew the doctors behind the glass were recording his every word, turning each syllable over and analyzing and discussing it. 

“Okay.” Was the simple reply and Misaki’s heart plummeted through the floor into the fiery heat of raw fear. 

“N-no.” Misaki mumbled, the door slammed open and the security guards ripped him out of the chair where he sat. “No! I didn't do it! I s-swear! It wasn’t me! I didn’t hurt my family!” He begged flailing back and forth. The security growled and continued to hold him down. 

“Take him to the hotbox.” The voice said, there was a small pop in the speaker and he knew whoever was on the other side of that window made their decision. He was being punished. 

 

They shoved Hiroki into the padded room before locking the door. Hiroki immediately got up and slammed into it. “Let me out! You have to let me put!” He screamed with a raw voice. 

“No one’s going to let you out.” Alice’s voice whispered from behind him. Panting he turned to see her standing with her arms crossed over her large bust and one of her eyebrows raised in a curious stare.

A chill ran up Hiroki’s spine and he rammed even harder into the door. “Let me out! Nowaki!” He screamed. 

“It's been a day Hiroki, a day. You’re already screaming his name like a pigeon-livered dog.” 

Hiroki ignored her as he continued to cry against the door. However the sentence lingered in his thoughts. It was true, he knew Nowaki for 24 hours but something pulled him towards the other man. An invisible string, or a past that never existed. He felt as if there was a perfect space in his life for Nowaki, like he was meant to be there. Even after only having two meetings with the man. 

He glanced back at her before tensing up and resuming his intense screaming, Alice sighed, “Okay.” She whispered.

Hiroki kept slamming and screaming for another five minutes before realizing Alice wasn't even there anymore. He fell to the ground and panted harshly. One of his hands ran up the side of his neck to tangle in his own hair, his chest heaved with waves of panic. He squeezed his eyes shut as began to grip his brown locks, tightening and pulling on them. He did that a lot. It felt as if he was pulling every thought or fear out with his hair. He cried silently into his knees, he was alone. 

The whole truth was, this man was better off dead. 

 

 

Alice stood at the mirror, her cosmetics spread on the desk. She stared at herself, her elegant collar bones, to her full lips, to her furrowed eyebrows. All a blessing given by the cursed. She averted her eyes to the comb on her desk, contemplating. 

“Alice,” She heard the voice behind her, it was in the corner of her room like always. 

“Please, leave me be.” She asked softly. “Give me a minute to my thoughts.” 

“You’re worried about the boy aren’t you?” The silky deepness of the voiced seemed to run through her wavy hair.

She laughed, “Much too grown to be called a boy now don't you think?” She grabbed her comb, brushing out the utterances of what was behind her. “Much too sinful.” She hissed.

“And you have been spared of that label because?” 

“Who said I wasn’t? We all are full of sin, but I,” She set her comb down, “I...well, my past self has payed for them, payed too much in fact. I’ve still got much more room to...dance.” She smiled, musing over her words.

“You’re unsettled Alice.” The voice said,”The doctor.”

Alice glared at her own blue eyes in the mirror, “I’m angry, of course. Hiroki’s too disgusting to get attention from that man either way.”

“That's what you try to convince yourself of.” 

“What?”

“You know there is something...different between those two. Something like fate, love. Something that's coming for you Alice, that's coming for us.”

Alice whipped toward the being, “What utter nonsense are you spitting?” 

“Careful, Alice. What I am saying is, those two were built to hurt you. They’re falling in love, quickly. But trust me, Dear Alice, it will not be pleasant for you.” 

Alice contemplated the words, her face pinched with nerves.

“Don't fret, Alice. We have time to fix it, but as of now, there seems to be three dress makers who are pregnant, and one of the missing maids was found in the forest with a newborn baby. The hatter has stopped making hats and the white rabbit has gone on another one of his hysteric excursions into the cotton fields. It is a busy time.” 

Alice nodded. “Find who’s been sleeping with those sluts at the Dress shop, hang him at the meeting hall tomorrow morning while everyone is getting their assignments for the day. Throw the maid into the cellars with the jabberwocky, if it has eaten within the past week, tell me, we will wait. I want him to appreciate his meal. Her newborn, give it to me, make sure it’s here by tonight. I want to make her hold her blasphemy in her hands as she is thrown in the jabberwocky's den.”

A laugh, “Very demanding. Of course, My dear Alice.”

The room was now empty. She breathed deeply, rolling her head back. She closed her eyes, she had to have a meeting with somebody. A very important one. 

 

They dragged Misaki down the hall as he fought against them. He could feel the hallways getting hotter and see them getting darker. The guards slammed through a pair of double doors, this was the part of the building where the air conditioning was officially extinct, instead the heat was cranked up. 

Misaki begged and pleaded, blubbering into the guard's arms. They finally arrived to one large, steel door. They shoved him against the door, grabbing the heavy jacket hung next to it and forced it onto Misaki. Misaki hissed and kicked as the suffocating clothing was wrapped around his body. Once they had finally wrangled it on, they handcuffed him.

The handcuffs were cold, Misaki could have moaned in relief if it wasn’t for the hell behind the door now in front of him. One of the guards struggled with the keys and Misaki, finally getting the door to open. The loud creak of the hinges made him nauseous. 

“Until you learn how to stop being a sick fucking freak…” One of the guards hissed as they shoved him into the hotbox. The door slammed shut, Misaki didn’t bother screaming. His hands were cuffed behind his back, so he rubbed his chest against the warm foam on the floor in order to lift his shirt a bit. It was like the padded cell, but this foam was special. It held onto heat with a desperate claw, burning into your skin. Misaki, chest now exposed, pressed it to the door, which wasn’t cold, but much better than the humid air surrounding Misaki. He sighed against it.

Sometimes, he wondered if there was a god. Maybe no one was there. Maybe he is just crazy. If there is, why does he ignore Misaki? Why does he not answer any single on of his prayers. Misaki thought of making a deal with God sometimes, something like ‘Just answer one prayer, and I’ll never ask anything of you again, I will accept all of my punishments with a smile.’ 

What would Misaki pray for? As sweat dripped down his back and he panted against a door that’s temperature was quickly rising, he would pray for ice. He challenged himself beyond his current desires, what would he want in the long run?

Someone.

He would just want someone to believe, and know him. If anybody other than him could understand that yes he killed his parents, but no he didn’t, than he wouldn’t trouble God with anything else for the rest of his life. 

However, Misaki stayed, sweating against a steel door in unbearable heat, waiting for the pain of dehydration to set in. Nothing changed, no one came. In the back of his mind he still played with the idea, someone who understood he killed his parents, but he didn’t. 

If someone could truly understand that phrase just as well as he did, he might just fall in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness! Sorry if these chapters seem a bit short, it feels easier to update quickly with short, sweet chapters than take months making long, messy ones. Thank you everyone for reading! Please comment, I love your comments so much, even if they're just critics! It makes my day that you would take time out of yours to comment!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Mad Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiroki is now officially designated to th special unit. (So sorry this chapter took legit months, long story short I organized a march and now am the owner of a nonprofit. Guess things just happen in life????)

Hiroki was laying in the room. Laying on a padded floor, on his side, staring at his still hands. His eyes looked tired and dead as he blinked emptily. He rolled on his back, letting gravity comfortingly push him into the soft ground. All he yearned for was to be pushed farther and farther, somewhere past hell, past wonderland, to a world so upside down, it was only a mirror image of this one. Somewhere everything was the same, but the opposite. Switched around. Maybeh he’d have a job. Something that involves literature. He would have a best friend, someone other than Alice. Maybe he would even meet Nowaki. Somewhere nice...like a park. Maybe he would tutor him, because he was older. Through that they would come so very close. Maybe Nowaki would be his best friend. Or maybe he would become something more. He found comfort in the fact that somewhere, that world existed. 

Hiroki didn’t even notice the door open through the fog of his improbable thoughts. “Hiroki Kamijou?” A voice called from the door. 

Hiroki swallowed thickly, he rolled his eyes to the door. A man with messy blonde hair and grey eyes stared at him from the threshold. Behind him were two buff, dark figures. Hiroki didn’t give any word of acknowledgment. He just stared. Maybe they would leave him be. 

“Hiroki. My name is Doctor Tsumori. I will be your new psychiatrist.” He gave a phony smile. 

“I don't need a new psychiatrist. I just got one.” Hiroki frowned at the man, growing increasingly uncomfortable laying on the ground, open, vulnerable. 

The man laughed, but his eyes didn’t follow. They just seemed to stare. “Kusama-san isn’t the best fit for you, we decided. You’re a much too extreme case.” 

“Nowaki…” Hiroki trailed off, he stared as the ground, ‘Nowaki is’ and ‘Nowaki was’ struggled to escape his mouth. He wasn’t quite sure what was meant to follow those words, “Nowaki is a good person.” 

“Indeed he is.” Tsumori’s sickly sweet voice hummed. 

“I think I want to keep him. He’s good for me.” 

“That's not your decision to make.” 

“Do I get to make any of my own decisions?” Hiroki hissed, “I’m a grown man!” 

“If we had mad men deciding what went on around here what do you think would happen?” 

Hiroki was taken aback, his face furled up in anger, “Excuse me?” 

“If Nowaki is so good for you, tell me why only after a few meetings, you wound up in the high security unit?” Tsumori laughed. 

Hiroki didn’t say anything. What could he say? The room felt tight, the walls were closer, ceiling was shorter, his breaths were hotter. 

“Nowaki is knew here,” he began again, “Wouldn’t you feel a bit bad about getting him , not only terminated from this facility, but getting his career totally ruined?” Hiroki’s face was hot with shame, “It would all be your fault. His career would be ruined because his patient was to much for any average man to handle. Don't you feel guilty? Never took you for the psychopath type. Crazy, but not psychopathic. Certainly not on your diagnosis.”

“You don't know anything about me.” 

“That's what you keep telling yourself.” Tsumori stared at him with an empty grin, his eyes wide and accusing. This man made every particle in the room freeze. The white noise was deafening. The mere sound of life now turned evil, the hum of machinery down the hall, his own breathing, the dripping of a faucet somewhere. It felt like they were all coming for Hiroki and they were angry. Hiroki found himself desperately trying to convince his brain that, no this man did not know who he was. Who he really was. Every Thought in every dip and dark alley of his brain. But with the grey eyes that sizzled the room with attention, it was very hard. 

Everything was different. How did it change? He didn’t know. The only thing he knew was the ceiling was now lower, the walls were closer, his breaths were shorter, and Tsumori was no longer human. Something more. Something Less. Something smarter. Something ancient. Something evil. At least in his head.

“Hiroki… I’m not the bad guy! I promise you. We’ll take good care of you down here. Now, let's go to the testing room shall we?” The greys were still burning. 

“Testing room? What's the testing room? I want to stay here.” Hiroki quivered, his eyes wide watching Tsumoris every move. The man was incredibly still. 

Tsumori gritted his teeth and shrugged, “eh...the testing room. It's not a great foot to start off on...its not very fun. But once you get past that everything is a breeze!” 

Hiroki continued to stare, he furrowed his brows, “What is th-“ 

A horrified scream echoed down the halls, thick and grotesque, pain dripping out of its pores Tsumori breathed deeply. 

“That's the testing room.” 

 

 

Misaki hated this. He really hated it. His skin was burning and he was desperately trying not to throw up again. He wanted water, he wanted a bath. Sometimes he didn't know how he could survive another minute. Sometimes he thought he just had to disappear, or maybe he would melt, or maybe he would just stop breathing because he could not last another minute in this sweltering room. He liked to think about the smell of rain in the morning, and how sometimes clouds looked like flying cities, and all the places he’ll never see, and the taste of snow, and how during the spring, maybe everything was a spectacle just for him, but one would ever know because spring is not someone you can talk to-

But at times like this his mind was spent, and he toggled with much uglier thoughts. He didn't like to talk about those. He especially didn't like it when they manifested themselves into convincing hallucinations.

The door opened. Piercing light pooled into the dark room and Misaki hissed. He screamed as freezing water was dumped over his sweat covered body, chunks of ice burning his skin. Another splash, this time on his head. He coughed and hacked up the water that spilled into his lungs, desperately trying to wipe if from his eyes. He shivered helplessly. 

Someone lifted him up from his armpits, he let out a yell as he was dragged down the hall. 

“Your brothers coming, he’s coming with a guest. We’re gonna get you washed up.” The man dragging him said, he couldn’t tell which one though. Misaki was too busy hacking and struggling. 

“Come on, get in there.” They shoved him into the washing room, essentially it was a tiled room with a pressurized hose they would spray him down with. They ripped off his clothes, Misaki always felt so violated. 

“Please! Please turn it down!” Misaki cried as tried to cover his body and face, and wipe his tears while the water beat him. It felt like it was ripping his skin off, in his mind he could see himself cowered against the corner of the room, crying alone as his skin blew off with the water, revealing red bloody flesh. “It hurts! It’s hurts!” 

“You’re being dramatic, don’t you think?” The guard turned off the hose, grabbing a towel and roughly scrubbing and drying Misaki’s raw body. He started with the arms. 

Misaki helplessly sniffled and sobbed as the guard painfully dried him, he took his other hand and wiped away his tears as he hiccuped. 

“For god's sake!” The guard smacked the back of Misaki’s head, he let out a shaky yelp, “Its more efficient this way! Stop crying, or you won’t see your brother for a whole damn month!” The guard finished like normal, drying Misaki off and cursing at him for crying. He roughly dressed him in much brighter looking clothes, they were of course the same standard patient wear, just cleaner. 

He dragged him out to the visitation room and just before opening the door, a voice came from behind them. “Misaki.” Misaki turned, Dr. Tsumori. There was another man with him, held by two guards. The same man who screamed ‘Alice’. He glared at Tsumori, he must be brave. Misaki stared at the brave man. 

“Not a word, remember? You were crying because of a hallucination.” Tsumori said, the brave man was confused, but Misaki understood. The brave man didn’t seem to belong here. His eyes were clear, he seemed to process what was around him. His eyes were clear, not foggy. He was present in the now, not in the past, future, or a hallucination. “Misaki do you understand?”

“Y-Yes.” He whispered, he met the brave man's eyes, who’s face contorted in confusion once he realized Misaki was staring. Tsumori smiled, waved, and continued on with the brave man. The guard loosened his grip on Misaki, ran fingers through his hair, checked his outfit, and nodded before opening the door. Takahiro sat with a man by his side, he had silver hair and beautiful violet eyes. Misaki decided he liked them. 

“Misaki! Oh goodness. Your face is so red!” Takahiro cried, it was obvious he wanted a hug, but he wasn’t allowed to touch Misaki. 

“Hi Oniichan, just the hallucinations again.” Misaki said softly, but he continued to glance at the man with the violet eyes, who stared at him shamelessly. The guard stayed close behind Misaki, staying silent.

“Oh...Well, How’ve you bee- oh, I should introduce you first. This is my best friend, Akihiko Usami, Usagi-San. Remember? I told you about him?” Takahiro asked. 

Misaki nodded and smiled, quite happy to see a new face who wasn’t considered crazy. 

“Well, you know I told you he was an author? A good one too.”

“Yes. I remember.” 

“Well...Misaki. He...wants to hear your real story, know the real you. It’s a good chance to...be heard. He wants to know about your life, your life here...and maybe...write a book?”

“Life...here?” 

The guards presence has never been so suffocating to Misaki.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I wanted to write a Patient!Hiroki and a Psychologist!Nowaki fic and a Dark ver. of Alice in Wonderland, so this popped out. This is going to be more of a serious fic,, not really angsty though? But att the same time kind of Angsty, this was kind of a pilot chapter to see if you all would like this! So if you do leave a kudos or a comment! I hope you are all excited to find out more about Hiroki's connection with wonderland, Alice, and why he's so obsessed with being familiar with things! Thanks for reading! Also Please forgive any types of errors!


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